The Invisible Woman

Today I am struggling. I've had many many days of constant conflict with Haden. This morning it came to a breaking point. I cannot go over all of the details right now, but I'm hoping to add these days and the darkness in them to my blog one day when I know there are more positive things to be said as well. I found this during my search for people who have strong willed children and I love it. It helps me focus. 

The Invisible Woman
By Nichole Johnson

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.She's going, she's going . She's gone!One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."And the workman replied, "Because God sees."I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.Great Job, MOM

Let's go to the Hop!

Friday night our Elementary school had a 50's sock hop in honor of the school turning 50 years old this year! It wasn't a great experience, but we all looked fabulous of course in our home made poodle skirts and rolled up jeans. Haha! There was a little girl there with down syndrome that Haden played with some. It was a lot better than the first experience he had at the Buddy Walk where he was at the sand table with three girls with down syndrome under the age of 6. He was playing and a fight broke out with two of the girls over a shovel that ended with him getting whacked in the face with the shovel. He began screaming at them and I had to pull him away and try to get him to do something else. I figured there were too many strong wills in that mix.

Friday night he got along really well with this little girl (who was 4 and cute as a button). She and Haden teamed up to grab balls from the basketball throw. They were almost trampled a few times, but had a blast! Once Haden lost his pacifier and she picked it up and put it back in his mouth. So sweet. This goes to show...everyone has their own personality and even my strong willed child can get along with a select few others.

Big Day!

Last night Haden refused to go to sleep. He had pretty decent day (with one exception). I was at my small group meeting and when I returned...he was sitting right next to my husband on the couch watching t.v. Jerod (my husband) said he tried to put him down, but he began screaming and then he started throwing himself around the bed putting himself in danger of injury. Jerod didn't want to allow that to happen. I completely understand and I have no idea why he's been bad the last two nights about going to bed. I put him in bed and he screamed for about 45 minutes, with us running in and out to tell him it was ok or retrieve his binkie, before he finally fell asleep. Geez! Last night threw me off and I didn't get the opportunity to blog. 

Today has a lot riding on it. I've been praying all day. My husband had a phone meeting with some people from his work about a position he applied for. He is really nervous and didn't get to bed until late last night mostly because of the situation in the last paragraph. He hasn't called and the meeting was nearly 3 hours ago. Not sure what that means, but I'm trying to be optimistic. 

My sister has a fetal ECG done today. Praying that my Ada Adventure is healthy. My sister has been through so much already that I cannot even fathom any bad news today. Plus, it's her and her husband's anniversary. Happy 3 years guys! Words can't express how much I love them and their little family. 

I am so excited about what God has in store for my family. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Happy Columbus Day Y'all

It was a pretty good day today. There are always a few things, but overall...pretty good.

Haden wanted something to eat around 10:30 this morning. He runs to the pantry (where the Halloween candy is) and starts pounding on the door. I go to the refrigerator and pull out an applesauce. He tells me "no" when offered the applesauce. I offer 3 or 4 times and he tells me "no" every-time. Triniti comes in and asks says, "I'll eat it." I give her a bite. He starts throwing a fit. I try one more time to give him a bite and he again refuses. I hand it to Triniti. More fit throwing. Triniti offers him a bite. He says "mama." Why is he so difficult? These are the situations that exhaust me every single day, and there are usually several. It's hard to always "win the battles" when they are so frequent!

In other news, Triniti was in tears today when she found out that her 3 best friends were at the movies without her. Xander went to the matinee with his friend from church and saw them there. These four girls are really close, so she was pretty upset and feeling very left out. What do I do? As a parent I guess there's nothing to do but reassure her that it may not have been a purposely "mean" thing. She will forget and it will be ok soon.

Ah ha!

This is something I found in my book about parenting strong willed children.

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the situation."

This is a sentence I would use to describe me before Haden. I really thought I knew a lot about raising children. I never had to deal with one that was so difficult that I could not control them. I was on top of the game! There was no way MY children behaved inappropriately.

Now I get it. I'm forever apologetic to the parents that I thought couldn't raise their children. Perhaps their children are not easy to raise.

Are we blended or pureed?

I'm not really sure that I know how to "blog". I think I need to back up and explain a little about myself. I hope this is not too long and boring. LOL

My husband and I met and dated in high school. It was the summer before our junior year in a small town south of Fort Worth. It was love. We were the stars of each other's lives. Needless to say, before our junior year was over, we broke up (I broke his heart...he won't let me forget). Our senior year came and by the end of it, he was expecting a child with his current girlfriend. 

I graduated, lived my life, and worked for a living. It was during this time that I met and married a man that seemed different than the rest(and I liked that). In 2001,we had our daughter,  Triniti, and immediately moved to west Texas away from all of our family and friends. These times were really hard on me. I had no job, no friends, and no support group. Triniti and I were alone almost all day because he worked in the car business and that meant sun up to sun down 6 days a week. Most days I would share my thoughts with Triniti (even though she was a baby) and she would listen. She is my "compliant" child. We were so blessed to have her. 

Finally we moved back to the Ft. Worth area and wanted to have another baby. We tried and tried with no luck. I decided to see my ob/gyn (who happened to also be a fertility specialist) for help. We finally did get pregnant! Unfortunately it didn't take long before I miscarried. I was only 5 weeks along. Probably not far enough for most to consider, but for me...it was a big deal. I wanted that baby more than anything. 

After enrolling in some college classes, I found out that I was expecting again. This time I carried to term. We found out that we were having a boy. A boy? A boy! My family is mostly girls. Out of 22 of us cousins, 6 are boys. My mother and I looked at the pictures of the sonogram and my mom said, "A boy? What are we going to do with that?". In 2005 we found out exactly what to "do with that" when our son, Xander, was born. Xander is a "negotiator". He negotiates and argues about everything, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. 

Poor Xander was only 2 when my husband and I divorced. I felt bad that he was so little. So was Triniti, but Xander was really little. Those were dark times and I sill have a lot of guilt and regret over it. 

It was my high school boyfriend that pulled me through. We started talking. He was divorced and by this time had not just one, but two kids. Brody and Autumn. Triniti and Autumn were the same age and would beg to see each other and play. Soon our relationship was growing and we were married in 2009. 

My husband and I began attending church regularly and befriending people on staff at the church. We have found that the closer we walk with the Lord, the better our relationship is with each other and our kids. We are blended. This is a statement that means our lives are busy and our problems are more difficult to figure out. That's a whole other blog. lol

We had our "ours" from the "yours, mine, and ours" in December 2010. Haden is the most beautiful, stubborn child I have ever laid eyes on. He is our "strong-willed" child. I will have to touch on that later too. 

Haden is my challenge. I'm not sure why God picked me and I don't feel like I can do the job most days. I'm not sure if that's the way someone raising a child with down syndrome feels, but I imagine it is much the same. Most of Haden's tantrums occur when he feels that he can't make me understand his needs or when I try to get him to do/ stop doing something that isn't "his" idea. I'm sure he will grow out of it.